Today is one of those TOUGH days

Today is one of those tough days. I can't quite put my finger on why. On these days I try to figure out why I am feeling down so that I can deal with it and move forward. That is the hard part of being a survivor and fighter. You don't always know why you feel sad, angry or frustrated.

I do know that I have surgery coming up. Ever three months with no end point. These surgeries cause me a lot of anxiety. They prevent me from leaving this all behind me and moving forward. The general anesthesia makes my mind foggy. Being back in the hospital brings back terrible memories. I experience pain and exhaustion. I have to watch my family and friends be stressed over my surgery. I have to be absent from law school classes, be away from friends and my home. I HATE IT!! Most people don't fully understand how much suffering these surgeries cause me because I put on that smile and act like its no big deal, well it is. Its a huge deal. there are 12 months out of the year and I have surgery 4 of those months.

People in my life seem to have become accustom to these surgeries, I have not! While I try to I don't think I ever will. These surgeries take up a large amount of my life. If I'm not actually having surgery I am scheduling the appointments, making travel arrangements, working out my school schedule, finding rides to the airport, a place to stay, what parent can take time off from work, talking on the phone with pre-op nurses. I pray that one day these surgeries will no longer be a part of my life.

As always thank you for your support :)



Anonymous said...

((((HUGS)))) Those tough days sure do take a pounding! I've learned that it's ok to be angry and upset...sometimes just all the things we have to endure afterwards.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of these surgeries. It's so hard on a person, not just physically, but mentally. We gtt sick of the BS that becomes a part of our lives.

And it's ok to not be the strong on 24/7, you're human, it's ok to let that show. Hang in there hon,remember that it's ok to cry and scream, and hell even throwing things can help sometimes! *wink*

Try to do something nice for yourself this evening, self pampering, a girls night out, or some funny movies. I'm here if you need to vent.

Inkypage1 said...

All I can say is that I admire you. The way you describe going through the turmoil of the surgery is moving and helped me imagine and relate to what you have to go through. Keep sharing your experiences and thoughts, I hope you get better soon. oxox

ShakenFruit said...

Hi! Big hug and big love coming your way. big big big. love love love. Can I pick you up from the airport?

shannonsofar said...

a big hug to you my survivors we aways think we have to put on that pasted on brave face.hell i guess its just our way of making our suffering easier on those around us.think about that for a minute.sometimes its vital to live our worst moments for our own best survival .so please rant ,scream ,cry, break things or what ever you need to do to get those horrible and draining emotions out of you .their not doing you any good being held inside.then do something fun to cheer yourself up(in my case i dyed my chemo regrowth purple).just remember you have to take care of yourself or you won't be any good to any one else.much love to you,shannon.

Anonymous said...

Even though its probably not what you want or what your looking for, you are a HERO to so many people. I read your blogs and your emails and think to myself how strong you are, and how would my composure be if i were in those shoes. Some just lay down and take it... you stood up, dusted yourself off and fought back.. and you keep fighting. Your definitely a hero to me. Every time i read another one of your posts i thank God for crossing our paths. Your an incredibly beautiful, inspiring, amazingly courageous woman... but everyone needs to break down sometimes. Vent girl!! (if it were me i'd probably be swearing all over that blog!) It is a bunch of bullcrap and hopefully someday they will find a way for NO ONES mom, daughter, sister, friend to go thru this anymore :(

xoxo hugs to you
Emily :)

Meaghan said...


Obsessedwithlife said...

Sorry to hear that! Today is one of my semi-tough days...I got back late last night from my trip (will blog when I get a spare min.) and came home to so much exhaustion, body out of whack and stuff to do.

Sending hugs!