Sick of feeling Sick!!

Today I cried. I went to my friends son's first birthday party. I was not feeling well at all. Actually, I haven't felt well all week. Yes I had surgery Monday and yes I flew home less than 24 hours after. Within 48 hours I was back in law school. I have to admit, I made a mistake. Rest is what I needed and not less than 24 hours, I should have rested for at least a week. Everyone told me I was making a mistake but as usual I wouldn't listen. For some reason I insist on learning everything the hard way.

There is a reason to my madness. I'm not stupid, I know that after surgery a person should rest. However, I am so sick and tired of being sick. All I do is rest, sleep, relax, take it easy. When will it stop? I want to get on with my life. I want to get over what happened to me and move forward. My life is so frustrating. I know what I want to do, how I want to live my life, where I want to be but its always just out of my reach. When I am done resting from surgery I will be resting for some other reason. Maybe a fever, maybe the pain will get bad again, maybe I will be exhausted. I can't remember the last day I felt like a normal person.

So today I cried because i want so badly to be healthy. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything. Energized, motivated, excited what I would give to have just one day when I felt those things. Instead I fight everyday to put on the appearance that I feel those things. I am patiently waiting for the day that I feel like a normal human being again!

Not Much to Report on Over Here

Still feeling dizzy and groggy! Wish I had a week to just rest and get back to normal. I am hoping that one day I can say goodbye to these surgeries and get back to a "normal" life! The pain isn't too bad, thank God. My tummy is a bit bloated and I am definitely light headed and tired but things are looking good. I'm taking a bunch of different medications for the next week or so...boooo! Hope everyone has a nice weekend and I promise I will be back on my game next week!

xoxo
Meaghan

Man am I struggling

I had surgery on Monday. Tuesday I caught a flight back to Florida at 7am. Today I have been in class since 8 am. I think I may be pushing myself a little too hard! I feel very dizzy and groggy and all i want to do is go home and get into bed. I have to remember I am only human and I need to give myself a brake every once and a while.

Surgery went well

Can't write much because I just got out of surgery and am a little groggy. just wanted to let everyone know it went extremely well. I was very nervous because I got rid of my former Urologist, he was a jerk, and now I have a new much better doctor. With the new doctor I am having surgery at a new Hospital, New England Baptist.

The hospital was much smaller so I was a bit nervous but it turned out to be sooooo much better. The staff were all friendly and very accessible. The anesthesiologist came to see me quickly and listened to all my concerns, not just head nodding but actually writing it down and using the drugs that I felt comfortable with. I met both the nurses that would be in the operating room with me and they were very kind and took the extra time to get to know me a little.

Best part, when I woke up the same staff were there. They let me sleep as long as I wanted and when I got up to go to the bathroom I would go back to sleep without a hassle. I left when I was ready to go and didn't feel rushed at all.

My new Urologist took a picture of my kidneys and told my mother that it may be possible to remove the stents. We did try this last year and it didn’t go well but hopefully there has been a lot of healing and maybe it will work this time, fingers crossed. In December we will try to remove the stents.

And to top it all off they gave me a rose. I will be sure to go back there and recommend it to anyone. Thanks New England Baptist.

My 3 Month Exam

Friday I had my three month pelvic/PAP exam with the wonderful Dr. Berkowitz. He is the best doctor ever, he saved my life. I have so much love for him I could never put it into words. I am sure the many survivors who read this know how I feel because they feel the same way about the doctors who saved their lives. We fought hard but we know that we owe our lives to these men and women who worked hard to make sure we lived and beat the ugly beast named CANCER.

My appointment went well. I hadn't been feeling well the last couple of weeks and was concerned it was menopause. However, early last week I spiked a fever of 103. I don't really know what to expect from menapause but I know it doesn't usually give you a fever. Its very confusing being a survivor. Its hard to tell what is just being a regular person with a fever, side effects from treatments or signs that the cancer has returned. But when I got to my appointment i was feeling well and had no fever.

The Ativan may have had something to do with my feeling pretty good. Dr. B and I talked a bit before the PAP & Pelvic exam. I expressed my concerns about menapause. While I was taking drugs to relax me I still was brought to tears during our conversation. It felt strange hearing my voice asking a doctor about menapause. This is so far from what I expected my life would be like at age 30. I am completely aware of what is going to happen to me and what things are no longer options but it still stops me in my tracks every time! Dr. B talked to me very openly, honestly and kindly. He explained that I wasn't going to go through menopause I was going through it now. That I could take hormones but I didn't have to. That by not taking hormones I could have bone problems but that they could test for that. He explained that menopause would not cause a drop in my sex drive and that it shouldn't cause extreme hot flashes or mood swings. But, if I found those things did happen I could always start taking the hormones. As usual he made me feel much better!

He did the PAP and Pelvic exam and told me things looked good. No biopsy was needed and I could take a deep breath until the next three month exam. He also told me that in March I would start seeing them every six months instead of the three. This is a great thing to hear. I also gave a urine sample due to the high fever last week. Hopefully that is clear because I need to have my surgery on Monday.

Now all I have left is Mondays surgery. I so look forward to the day i hear I don't need those anymore. At this point I either have to have surgery every three months indefinitely or have the kidney removed. If I had it my way they would be removing the kidney Monday. I am so over the surgeries and ready to get on with my life.

So far so good. Had a little "incident" on the car ride to the Cape but besides that I am wonderful. There was terrible traffic and we couldn't get off the highway and I have very bad bladder control, you put that together and figure out what happened. No big deal though, use to it by now. The Cape is great, as usual. The Woods are kind, funny and just great to be around. The weather is a little yucky but its nice to be in cool weather.

This will probably be my last post for a couple days. I have to be at the hospital at 6 am for surgery on Monday. Hope everyone is having a great weekend and feeling well.

xoxo
Meaghan

Leaving on a Jet Plane for Surgery

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am flying out of Florida today. I will be arriving at Logan airport around 230 and have my 3 month exam at 3 at Dana Farber Cancer Institute. Then I will be going to stay with my good friend Jessica on the Cape over the weekend. Monday is my surgery day and I will be going under General Anesthesia to have my stints changed, kidney checked out and kidney stones removed. Tuesday I will be flying back to Florida so that I can get back to school. So I may not be able to post but I will definitely make an effort. I hope everyone has a great weekend and please keep me in your thoughts!

Lots of Love,
Meaghan

THIS IS HOW I AM FEELING TODAY

THE SILVER LINING TO MY DARK CLOUD

I have mentioned my 3 month surgery a couple times now so I won’t bore you with that again. However, I will re mention that it is a stressful time for me and I dread it. So, in order to make it through I try to create silver linings. The idea that there is just a silver lining is ridiculous and does not work. Sure, I could tell myself, at least I am alive, can walk, use the bathroom on my own but this just doesn’t make me feel better.

So what I do is create my own silver lining. After my exams my mom and I always go to Legal Seafood, eat awesome oysters and drink yummy wine! While I dread my exams I really look forward to oysters and wine, so it makes a really crappy day a lot less crappy. When I start thinking about having to go for the exam I also think about how I will get to eat one of my favorite foods and drink top notch wine.

Another silver lining I create has to do with my very dear friend Jessica (whose last name, coincidentally, use to be Silver). From the start of my fight against cancer Jess and her family have been giving me silver linings. I spent a lot of my original recovery time with them on the Cape and in Rhode Island. It was there that I got to watch her son Eli experience many things for the first time, eat her amazing home cooking, sit on the porch on a beautiful spring evening or spend a day at the beach. I had many things to be sad, angry and confused about but I was often distracted by all the wonderful things I was experiencing because I was sick. At night I would think to myself, “If I didn’t get sick today never would have happened and I loved today”.

This surgery I am going to go stay with Jess and her family on the Cape. I haven’t spent recovery time with them since my March surgery. I am so excited to see how much Eli has grown and to spend some real quality time with one of my closest friends. If I hadn’t have gotten cancer I would only see her once every year at best. Eli would have no idea who I am and spending a weekend on the Cape, forget it.

Create a silver lining of your own! Don’t just try to look at the positive, make some. It’s frustrating and unfair when people tell us to look at all you have, we know what we have and we know what we don’t have. Be fair to yourself and stop expecting to just feel better because you are alive, not gonna happen. Give yourself things to look forward to, to feel good about. I tried it and it works much better than the alternative. Take control of your life and create your own silver linings!

Today is one of those TOUGH days

Today is one of those tough days. I can't quite put my finger on why. On these days I try to figure out why I am feeling down so that I can deal with it and move forward. That is the hard part of being a survivor and fighter. You don't always know why you feel sad, angry or frustrated.

I do know that I have surgery coming up. Ever three months with no end point. These surgeries cause me a lot of anxiety. They prevent me from leaving this all behind me and moving forward. The general anesthesia makes my mind foggy. Being back in the hospital brings back terrible memories. I experience pain and exhaustion. I have to watch my family and friends be stressed over my surgery. I have to be absent from law school classes, be away from friends and my home. I HATE IT!! Most people don't fully understand how much suffering these surgeries cause me because I put on that smile and act like its no big deal, well it is. Its a huge deal. there are 12 months out of the year and I have surgery 4 of those months.

People in my life seem to have become accustom to these surgeries, I have not! While I try to I don't think I ever will. These surgeries take up a large amount of my life. If I'm not actually having surgery I am scheduling the appointments, making travel arrangements, working out my school schedule, finding rides to the airport, a place to stay, what parent can take time off from work, talking on the phone with pre-op nurses. I pray that one day these surgeries will no longer be a part of my life.

As always thank you for your support :)

Meaghan

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I haven't written anymore of my story because I have been sick. I have had a fever ranging from 99.9-102.8 since Tuesday. I will write more when I feel better. Hopefully everything is okay but I am a bit concerned I may have a kidney infection.

PET SCAN RESULTS

Just wanted to let everyone know my PET scan is clear of cancer. There are some questions/issues regarding my left kidney but I am not too surprised about that. Next PET will be in December. BIG SIGH OF RELIEF :)

PET SCAN

Yesterday was my PET scan, not fun at all. For those of you who have never had one, it sucks big time! Not only does having a PET scan mean something might be seriously wrong with you but the process is pretty lengthy and unpleasant. First, you cannot eat or drink anything six hours prior to the scan. This means I had to wake up Monday morning and NO COFFEE! I have to admit I am a coffee addict and not having a cup really pissed me off. I got to sit at my grandmothers and watch everyone enjoy D&D coffee, bagels and donuts. Of course they offered to skip their coffee and breakfast but I couldn’t make them suffer too, I’m not that bitter yet!

11:30 my mom and I were off to Dana Farber. First stop, the 9^th floor for some Ativan (the best anti anxiety med ever). The Nurse Practitioner gave me my medication and put an IV in. I have had many of these but this one hurt. When I got to the Scan I was absolutely starving and could have murdered for a coffee. There was a man in the waiting room with a subway sandwich and all I could do was fantasize about eating it. Please, if you are ever in a waiting room where people can’t eat….don’t eat or bring food J

12:45 I am brought into a tiny room. The nurse walks me in and looks at my IV, “Wow they decided to use the large one on you huh” So that’s why it hurt so much. Of course the IV wouldn’t work so they had to take it out and try again on the other arm, this time with a much smaller one. Once the IV was in the doctor opens a metal door and takes out a metal container that contains and needle with god knows what inside. As he is injecting me with this needle he asks me what I am doing after the PET scan, “I am flying back to Florida” I tell him. “Oh then you are going to need a letter for the airport”. A WHAT?? That’s right folks I was radio active and would set off alarms.

1:00 I have been injective with radioactive stuff and get to sit for an hour while it makes its way throughout my body. Last time I had to sit in the dark with no music, no reading and no tv. This time I was allowed to watch TV and got the toasty warm blankets so it wasn’t that bad.

1:30 the PET scan finally begins and I get to lie down in a machine with my arms over my head for thirty minutes while they search for cancer. Thank god for the Ativan because otherwise I don’t think I could have taken all the anxiety and stress, never mind how uncomfortable it is to have your arms over your head for a half hour.

So that is a PET scan in a nut shell. Now I just wait. I wait to hear if I can continue law school, go to the beach, visit friends, live life. This one test determines the course of my life. So, I humbly ask you all to keep me in your prayers. As soon as I get the results I will post them.