Tips On Supporting A Friend Through Cancer

Unfortunately I have been hearing about many of you who have loved ones fighting cancer. This can be a very scary, frustrating and lonely experience. Supporting someone through cancer is not like bringing soup to a friend who has a cold. Its hard to know what to say, how to act or even what to bring to your friend when you visit.

I've written several post about supporting a loved one through cancer because I understand how difficult it is. Here are a couple if you would like to check them out now:

How to Support a Loved One Through Cancer

What can I do for My Loved One

Part 2 of What Can I do for My Loved One

Those are just a couple of posts on my blog about helping someone through their journey battling cancer. Here is an article that I came across and thought might be helpful. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and supporting me through my journey.

SUPPORTING A FRIEND WHO HAS CANCER

Raise Cervical Cancer Awareness

I just came across this great charm bracelet. It is made of amethysts, freshwater pearls, and Swarovski crytals; $100 from each sale will go to Make the Commitment. Make a Commitment is an organization that encourages women to make the commitment to discuss with their doctors ways to prevent cervical cancer.

As a young end stage cervical cancer survivor I am so excited to see such a great organization. I often write about how little attention cervical cancer gets. However, it is a disease that threatens all women. There is virtually no way to protect against it and its often misdiagnosed. Its wonderful to hear that there is an organization out there dedicated to raising awareness.

I know the economy is tight. But, if you are planning on buying jewelry please think about picking up this beauty. Not only will you have a gorgeous bracelet you will be helping a cause that really needs it!

How do I become my own advocate

I know you hear over and over, "be your own advocate". Okay, great so how do I do that? In this post I will tell you one way to accomplish being your own advocate.

Use your voice. What does that mean? When I was first sick I went to my doctors office several times a week, I called them constantly. Just recently when my pain was unbearable I called my doctors daily asking them to fix me. This was being my own advocate wasn't it, NO! Even though I was using my voice & asking for help I was not being my own advocate. Unfortunately doctors think they know it all. They have already figured you out within the first couple minutes of visiting you and anything after that is just you being emotional or sensitive. They stop hearing you so even though you are using your voice you are not being heard. I have been fighting for my life for the last year and a half and I just recently learned how to be my own advocate.

Call your doctor anytime you need them. I don't care if its Saturday at 8 am or Wednesday night at 11. Doctors have pagers for a reason so get over it and call them. I can't tell you how many nights & weekends I sucked it up in horrible pain because I didn't want to bother the doctor or thought they would think I was annoying! The only person I was punishing was myself. Doctors get paged all the time, its part of their job, so don't even waste one second worrying about what day or time it is. If you are in pain, need a doctor or just concerned call them. Don't think, well im not that sick or it can waitif you do that you are being a FOOL!

If you know what will make you feel better tell the doctor. For me the only thing that works is Hydromorphone. I have a nice supply of it. Before I would wait until I needed it to ask. Then it would become a huge problem because I would be in pain and desperate. Don't be afraid to tell your doctor you need something. That you need it for the future. You should always have a supply of whatever medications you need. We tend to forget how bad it can be when we are feeling well. Be aware of what you need if you start feeling sick so that you are always prepared.

Finally, tell your friends and family what things help you stay healthy. Maybe you need to eat certain food, sleep certain amount of hours, exercise. Tell them to remind you what it is you need to stay healthy. For example, after this surgery I didn't rest for a week like I am suppose to. Instead I went back to school within 48 hours. This did not help me get better. I told my boyfriend and friends to remind me next surgery how bad I felt this time. Sometimes we need a reminder in order to avoid getting sick again.

An addition that I didn't originally include in this post but that is super important. One of the comments kindly reminded me that I forgot this one. If you are not happy with one of your doctors FIRE them and do it sooner than later. I had a terrible urologist. I talked about this in my last post. I tried to make it work b/c he was suppose to be soooo great but he was not great for me. I suffered for a year in pain, incontinent, bleeding etc...Once I fired him and got a new urologist (in July) I started feeling soooo much better. If you are not happy with your doctor, if you are unsure, have a gut feeling etc...look for a new doctor. Its your life, future & dreams so you are the one who needs to take control and make the right decisions. (Thank you Pseudonymous High School Teacher)

Stay healthy everyone and enjoy your weekend!

xoxo

Crazy Sexy Cancer

I am sure many of you have heard of Crazy Sexy Cancer. For those of you who haven't: GO OUT RIGHT NOW AND RENT IT!! My boyfriend rented it for me about six months ago. I did not want to watch it. I was scared and not yet ready to face my cancer in that way. I know, sounds weird but it is what it is. For the same reasons I didn't want to join a support group, didn't want to talk to a therapist, I didn't want to watch this movie. But, I watched it and that is when my attitude towards my cancer change.

This woman's journey and attitude really inspired me. She showed me how to take control of my cancer and how to change my life and outlook. Here is a clip but I suggest you go to blockbuster and rent the entire documentary. She also has a great blog site that I am a member of.

Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think :)

Sick of feeling Sick!!

Today I cried. I went to my friends son's first birthday party. I was not feeling well at all. Actually, I haven't felt well all week. Yes I had surgery Monday and yes I flew home less than 24 hours after. Within 48 hours I was back in law school. I have to admit, I made a mistake. Rest is what I needed and not less than 24 hours, I should have rested for at least a week. Everyone told me I was making a mistake but as usual I wouldn't listen. For some reason I insist on learning everything the hard way.

There is a reason to my madness. I'm not stupid, I know that after surgery a person should rest. However, I am so sick and tired of being sick. All I do is rest, sleep, relax, take it easy. When will it stop? I want to get on with my life. I want to get over what happened to me and move forward. My life is so frustrating. I know what I want to do, how I want to live my life, where I want to be but its always just out of my reach. When I am done resting from surgery I will be resting for some other reason. Maybe a fever, maybe the pain will get bad again, maybe I will be exhausted. I can't remember the last day I felt like a normal person.

So today I cried because i want so badly to be healthy. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything. Energized, motivated, excited what I would give to have just one day when I felt those things. Instead I fight everyday to put on the appearance that I feel those things. I am patiently waiting for the day that I feel like a normal human being again!

Just an Idea

Its been a very rough week. I have absolutely no idea what happened during the first part of the week and I would bet all I own that tomorrow I wont really remember what i did today. I'm hoping that by next week this time I am back to thinking and seeing clearly.

This week I had a talk with a cancer care giver. It was strange to see it all from the other side. I have been the person with cancer for too long now. Actually, its hard to remember what it was like before I was the person with cancer. Now I am on the other side of the table, the person listening and giving advice. The person who doesn't know what to say and feels helpless. The conversation made me think a lot about my experience. What would I want to hear, what information would I want to get, what would have made a difference for me?

This conversation helped me understand how my loved ones must have felt. I have said it before but I think it should be said again, being a care giver is much harder than being a cancer fighter. The one piece of advice I think may have been helpful was to get your loved ones medical records and ask other cancer institutes to look them over. Even if you or your loved one is at a cancer institute maybe there is a better institute. Maybe there are new treatments or better specialists. It can't hurt to make some phone calls and ask doctors to check out medical records. You don't have to fly to the institute, drag your sick loved one or even make any type of commitment.

I know that if I hadn't gone to Dana Farber Cancer Institute where they had one of the only internal radiation machines I would not have lived! I had my medical records, CT scan etc...faxed to Dana Farber and they said they could help. If you don't know where to start you can call the American Cancer Institute and ask them. You don't have to be the one with cancer to call. They are very helpful and have lots of information so just pick up the phone and call, you never know it could be the call that saves a life!

Little Eli and his Mommie Jess

I've posted a lot lately about the Wood family. This picture has little Eli Wood and my very close friend Jessica Wood. The only one missing is Daddy Ben Wood. If any of you live near Kingston RI you should check out their restaurant CALIENTE. The food is awesome and the owners are two of the best people I have ever met, Ben and Jess :) I have added their businesses Blog and will also give you the link to their website. Check it out. Great Mexican Grill, I give it five stars!


CALIENTE WEBSITE

Here Are Some Scary Facts About CERVICAL CANCER

Cervical Cancer is the second most common type of cancer in women behind breast.

Approximately 500,000 women will be diagnosed with cervical cancer in one year

Approximately 300,000 women will DIE of cervical cancer in one year.

More and more young women are being diagnosed with cervical cancer.

Many cases of Cervical Cancer go misdiagnosed.

Your PAP may be coming back normal when it should not.

Please educate yourself about cervical cancer. Just because you are young, healthy and going to your yearly PAP's does not mean you are protected against this deadly disease.

National Non-Profit Organization Brings Cervical Cancer Awareness to Big Apple

Just came across this Article from the Wall Street Journal and thought some of you may be interested. This article is about a great Fund raising project going on in NYC. The non for profit organization, Tamika & Friends is conducting its third annual Walk to Beat the Clock. To learn more check out the article and please leave comments letting me know what you think.

NATIONAL NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION BRINGS CERVICAL CANCER AWARENESS TO BIG APPLE

THE SILVER LINING TO MY DARK CLOUD

I have mentioned my 3 month surgery a couple times now so I won’t bore you with that again. However, I will re mention that it is a stressful time for me and I dread it. So, in order to make it through I try to create silver linings. The idea that there is just a silver lining is ridiculous and does not work. Sure, I could tell myself, at least I am alive, can walk, use the bathroom on my own but this just doesn’t make me feel better.

So what I do is create my own silver lining. After my exams my mom and I always go to Legal Seafood, eat awesome oysters and drink yummy wine! While I dread my exams I really look forward to oysters and wine, so it makes a really crappy day a lot less crappy. When I start thinking about having to go for the exam I also think about how I will get to eat one of my favorite foods and drink top notch wine.

Another silver lining I create has to do with my very dear friend Jessica (whose last name, coincidentally, use to be Silver). From the start of my fight against cancer Jess and her family have been giving me silver linings. I spent a lot of my original recovery time with them on the Cape and in Rhode Island. It was there that I got to watch her son Eli experience many things for the first time, eat her amazing home cooking, sit on the porch on a beautiful spring evening or spend a day at the beach. I had many things to be sad, angry and confused about but I was often distracted by all the wonderful things I was experiencing because I was sick. At night I would think to myself, “If I didn’t get sick today never would have happened and I loved today”.

This surgery I am going to go stay with Jess and her family on the Cape. I haven’t spent recovery time with them since my March surgery. I am so excited to see how much Eli has grown and to spend some real quality time with one of my closest friends. If I hadn’t have gotten cancer I would only see her once every year at best. Eli would have no idea who I am and spending a weekend on the Cape, forget it.

Create a silver lining of your own! Don’t just try to look at the positive, make some. It’s frustrating and unfair when people tell us to look at all you have, we know what we have and we know what we don’t have. Be fair to yourself and stop expecting to just feel better because you are alive, not gonna happen. Give yourself things to look forward to, to feel good about. I tried it and it works much better than the alternative. Take control of your life and create your own silver linings!

OBAMA ON HEALTH CARE-HE GETS US!!

47 MILLION PEOPLE WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE!! His mom died of ovarian cancer at age 53! Her concerns were very similar to mine, how to pay for her health care. My insurance company dropped me and so I deal with numerous calls a day from creditors looking for money. I can't work because of what happened to me, I have no insurance but I need medical care, prescriptions etc..."OUR COUNTRY IS BETTER THAN THIS"

WHATS UP WITH ALL THE LINKS???

You may have noticed that I have added a bunch of website links to my blog. You should really take a few minutes and look through them. I only add websites that I find helpful, inspirational or educational.

It has been a year since I stopped treatment. Unfortunately I didn't reach out to anyone until just recently. I knew about the American Cancer Society, National Cervical Cancer Coalition and other various support groups but I chose not to participate, BIG MISTAKE. Just the other day another fighter told me about all sorts of charitable organizations that could really help me out. I have surgery every three months and have to fly from FL to Mass., this adds up. To my surprise there are a bunch of charities that will help pay for my tickets, O-M-G how great is that! So, today I called the ACS and got an ID number and started signing myself up for all sorts of charitable organizations. Flights, places to stay, excursions, magazines, WOW there is so much out there!!

So I strongly suggest to those of you who have been going it alone, give in and take some help!! Please take a minute to look through the websites I have linked, who knows you may really enjoy them and they could help make your life a little easier.

If there are websites you think I should add just let me know, I would be happy to include them. Also, the sites are not dedicated to any specific cancer. Please check em out and let me know what you think.

xoxo
Meaghan

Cancer Fighter in Need of Air Travel???

1. Mercy Medical Airlift
Arranges free transportation on commercial airlines
Requires 14 day notice
888-675-1405

2. Miracle Flight
Transportation on private crafts like Angel Flight
Requires 10 business day notice
800-359-1711

3. Corporate Angel
transportation on private corporate jets
Requires 1 week notice
800-328-1313

4. Continental Care Force
tansportation on private crafts like Angel Flight
Requires 2 weeks notice
281-261-6626

5. Midwest Airlines
Miracle Miles Program
Free commercial tickets on Midwest through their gift of miles
Requires 10 day notice
414-570-4118

Southwest Airlines
Charitable Giving
Free gift of commercial airline ticket
30 days notice
214-792-1300

Northwest Airlines
Reduced fare coupon books for Clinical Trial patients
800-328-1111

BATTLE WOUNDS

There are two kinds of battle wounds, that I know of. There are the wounds we wear on our skin for the whole world to see. And then there are the hidden wounds, the scars that are on the inside. It is the second type of battle wounds I am going to discuss in this post.

Unless you have experienced Cancer there is absolutely no way you can see the hidden battle wounds that it inflicts on its victims. One may be able to see its outlines in the form of a loved ones tears, anger or frustration but that is just the surface. I think these hidden battle wounds have caused the majority of my suffering. Cancer ripped its way through my life reeking havoc on my body and mind. At first my only focus was on my outer wounds. I was so self conscious of visible battle wounds, scars, radiation tattoos, sunken in eyes, blisters, radiation burn etc…I, along with my doctors, worked hard to heal all of these wounds. I was given medication, lotions, food etc…As time went on these wounds healed and I began a long journey of recovery.

It was after my treatments ended that I began to notice the other battle wounds. I had no idea what to expect, why I was feeling the way I was or how to deal with it. This is the moment I began to feel totally and utterly alone. Was I the only person who felt this way? Was I going to go the rest of my life holding onto these wounds, separating myself from the rest of the world more and more each year? Talking to family and friends just made my wounds grow deeper.

People tried to relate, listen and provide me with what I needed but that was impossible. They didn’t have cancer; they couldn’t see what it had done to me beneath my exterior. I am speaking both physical and emotional. The hidden physical wounds were many. Friends and family could only understand what they were seeing, “you look good”. I can’t tell you how many times I heard that, as if by saying it somehow they would make it true. I did NOT feel good. The radiation had burned my organs. Digesting food was horribly painful, making me afraid to eat. I had to pee almost constantly and every time I did the pain was, and still is, blinding. Every time I had sex it was/is painful and I bled. For a long period of time I had no taste buds or sense of when I was suppose to be full or hungry. My vision was blurry, I suffer from hot flashes, cramping, bleeding and anxiety. These are only a few of the hidden physical wounds Cancer left me with.

There are also the hidden emotional wounds. The loss of self, anxiety of the future, fear of the unknown and absolutely terrifying reality that it could come back! These are only a few of the emotional wounds I deal with every day. As I have said in earlier posts I was not dating anyone and had no kids when I got sick. Who would want to date me, never mind marry, when I couldn’t have kids? Who would want to take on the responsibility of having to help me on the bad days, and there are lots of those. And who would want to start dating someone who could get a PET scan that said they were going to go through all that again? I couldn’t imagine, not in my wildest dreams, what person would willingly take on all those things.

I have an emotional wound named GUILT. What I put my family and friends through. How much I changed their lives. My family had to sacrifice so much, they still do. Everyone around me was scared, frustrated, mad, sad, stressed, the list goes on and on. I changed all their lives so much. And I didn’t change their lives for a day, week, month or even a year. I changed them for life. I stole a piece of their innocence and there is nothing I can think of that could ever make up for what I took.

I kicked Cancer’s Ass but it also did a doozy on me! If you are a supporter please understand that just because the cancer appears to be gone it is always a part of our lives.

Cancer has helped shape the woman I am now and because of that it will always be a part of my life. My wounds may begin to heal but they will never be totally gone. We need you to not forget, not try to pretend like it never happened and to accept that while we may look good there are still daily battles we fight.

My Brave Friend James on Miami Ink

My last post was about my Miami Ink Tattoo. As I said in my post I will write more about the entire experience in a later post because it was a life altering one. I was lucky enough to be scheduled to film at the same time as a man named James Smith. We spent many hours in the Green Room during our day of filming. I got to know him pretty well and he became a very close friend of mine. Please watch Jame's Miami clip and hear his story.

Part 2 of What Can I do For My Loved One??

I got a lot of great feedback about my last post. I decided do a part 2 and add some suggestions from other survivors. Again, if you have additions please comment or email. There are many people out there who want and need to know how to support a loved one. Lets help our fellow fighters by telling the world what makes us smile, feel happy or even feel bad! How are others suppose to know if we don't tell them!

DO's
Say "I'm coming over with (books/magazines/food/plants whatever) and I can drop it off or come in and visit if you're up to it." Outside of a very few people, "Let me know if you need anything" is a well meaning but empty offer. There aren't many people outside of family that you can ask to make you a meal, do the dishes, or take over care giving while you nap. But if you just show up and do it while simultaneously letting on that the ball is in their court -- well, that rocks!

Offer to make meals and drop them off at your Fighters home. When someone is fighting cancer the last thing they can do is cook. If they are lucky enough to have a caregiver that person is usually exhausted as well and it would mean the world to them if you could contribute some yummy meals. I included a site that has recipes :)

Offer to take the patient to appointments and/or sit with him/her during chemo treatment. A fighter should never have to go to treatment alone. These treatments can take up to 8 hours, I know mine did! When you're there you can read to them, watch tv with them, chat or just support them in silence.

Listen attentively with saucer eyes and don't try and interject with your own story. Don't feel you need to make sense of it for us with a grand philosophical observation. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Many many many Cancer Patients are the kindest, bravest, purest souls we have ever known. So, why did they get cancer? We're in no mood to puzzle it out with you.

Put surgery days and check up days on your calendar and then magically know about it and call and offer encouragement. We just LOVE that.

Send cards and emails often. Big expensive gifts were not necessary. Some Cancer patients hate flowers so find out how your loved one feels about them.

Remember the caregiver -- they need strength too.Many care givers stay in the hospital for days or weeks and sleep in chairs or on little couches next to their loved one. Be a good friend and if you can take the caregiver to breakfast, lunch or dinner near the hospital. This gives the caregiver a chance to talk, eat a nice meal and have a couple of good stiff drinks to get them through a tough time.

Leave your judgments at home. People with cancer have the absolute right to lash out and be nasty now and again. Pain, chemo and anesthesia will do things to a person. But still, it hurts! It shouldn't be too shocking if a caregiver needs to vent. Let them get it off their chests so they can get back in there and keep going. Cancer isn't like day to day life. It's ugly and beautiful and it brings out the absolute worst and best in people in shifts.


General Gift Ideas from my readers!

Netflix Membership. Meg's mom paid for a membership to netflix every month while i she was sick- So she didn't have to get up and go to blockbuster to see new movies!!

ITUNES Gift Card. Meg was was home so much and was downloading all types of music.. for her ipod to listen to at treatments!!

Humor Books. Get your friend funny books to read or have read to them. Often I had surgery at least 1 time a week or up to 3 times a week. My friend Laura bought several books that had quick funny entries and my father would read them to me while I waited to be put under General Anesthesia.

There is a great site one of my readers shared with me that has TONS of cool gifts for the cancer fighter in your life! Cancer Apparel, Cancer books & CDs, Buttons, Gift Baskets, Assorted gifts, Jewelry, Cancer Sucks stuff, Wrist Bands, Caregiver gifts, New Cancer Products, Treatment Days Thanks Stacey!

Cool Swag for Knitting Freaks!! Us fighters get bored laying around all the time. If your fighter knits this site was recommended by another survivor. Totally Awesome stuff for everyone who knits.

Knit them something. If you can knit this is a great gift! Terri's friend made her one of these and she loved it.

JulieMeryl
ths girl donates 100% all net profits to th LLS!



Gift Back
this is a grate place to send flowers, and you can choose from tons of charity's to donate 10% of your total cost!


Tutti Fruity Designs
10% of every sale to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Twenty percent for featured products. Cute things for little kids and their moms.

Sports Gifts for Cancer Fighters
this is a unique gift place for sports fans

Cancer Research UK Gifts
this is for our UK frends

Chillow Pillow for those whose treatment results in menopause (Thats me & it sucks!)

Gas Cards for those who have long drives to their treatment centers. It can add up b/c often treatment is every day for months upon months.

Personalized Gift Baskets


DON'T
Ask us to call you and give you updates. We're a little preoccupied.

Tell us you feel left out of the process because you haven't been called with regular updates.

Grill us about why we're not pursuing alternative courses of treatment instead of traditional western medicine. You can trust that we've been doing our homework on this one. And we're both too tired for the debate.

Assume that any healthy meal will be good for the patient. If the patient is going through chemo, ask the caregiver what they can eat and follow those guidelines.

Tell us that you can relate because you once had "lasik surgery" and it was very traumatic. (a true story!)

Stay too long. If we beg you to stay, then that's another matter, but after 15 minutes offer to leave. The caregiver might be more honest than the patient.

Get too focused on coming to the hospital. Many hospital days are packed full of grueling and exhausting procedures. There maybe only a small window of time when the patient is comfortable enough to see anyone or not going through some kind of terrible ordeal. There is plenty of recovery time at home. Also, hospital stays are filled with leaking body fluids and bags that might be embarrassing to the patient.

Unless you have had cancer or been the spouse of someone with cancer, there are few comparisons that will be comforting. So be careful about cancer anecdotes! We didn't want to hear about anybody who had died, or anybody who had an easier time of it than he did. We only wanted to hear about the ones on death's door step 20 years ago who now have 10 children and a multi-national company.

NEVER EVER say "you have to be brave" to a person with cancer OR their spouse. That's just rude. We have to be brave sometimes and then other times we have to crumple up into little balls and cry and be cowards. Other times we have to be really, really fucking pissed off. Keep your stupid platitudes to yourself.

- these are all great and I am sure everyone of us can relate to at least a couple. Please pass it along so everyone knows the do's and don'ts of supporting someone through their battle.

Thank you Hayley for all these great pieces of advice! You are a strong woman and we all thank you for sharing your advice with the world!!

xoxo
Meaghan

What can I do for my loved one??

First let me say that I am speaking for myself in this post. All cancers are NOT the same. All cancer patients do not get the same treatment or react to treatment the same. For example, radiation was absolutely horrific for me but my mom, who had breast cancer, said radiation wasn’t that horrible (it all depends on where your radiation is). Chemo wasn’t horrible for me, still very bad just nothing compared to radiation, but for others chemo is totally debilitating. Because of this I would greatly appreciate comments that can give additional advice. This is a topic that many, many people have asked me to write about so I know people would appreciate comments that could add to my post.

To Send or Not to Send……the answer is SEND! This is a very emotional topic for me, probably the most. When I arrived at Dana Farber I started to get very sad. I was away from all my friends, in a hospital room and afraid. At first I got lots of cards, flowers, stuffed animals etc…I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “everyone is sending things now but I know in a month the cards, flowers, gifts will stop and everyone will have forgotten about me” This made me so sad. I felt as though by being absent everyone would forget about me. I WAS WRONG! During my four months of treatment I received at least one card, package or flower delivery a day. This truly was what allowed me to make it through a horrible experience. I felt so loved, missed and inspired. I fought hard against cancer because I knew I would be missed and I felt I owed it to everyone who was supporting me to fight and live!! Each card & gift brought a smile to my face, something that was rare during my treatments. The only time I felt warmth in my heart was when I opened a package or card. It had very little to do with what I got but rather the escape from focusing on cancer & the knowledge that so many people were routing for me.

Here are some gift ideas for the cancer fighter in your life(If you click on the highlighted ones it will bring you to the website where you can purchase the gift):

• Cards→ cheap, easy & so important!! I got multiple cards from the same people so don't think, I already sent a card, send another!! Home made cards are great too if you are on a tight budget.
  

• Food (depending on the situation. When I was in the hospital before chemo and during the very beginning my friend Laura would go to cheesecake factory and bring me food, that was great)

• Books (depends on your loved ones situation. I couldn’t read because my eye sight started to fail from all the medications I was on)

• Read books/magazines to them or get books on CD(during chemo or at the hospital but ask first because many times I felt so nauseous that I wanted to be in silence)

• Write on Caringbridge or blogs (depending on whether your loved one has one of these. Caringbridge is a program at Dana Farber but your loved one's hospital may have a similar program set up)

• Flowers (Again this depends. If your loved one is having Chemo the smell may bother them. If you're not sure call your loved one's family or friends and ask them, do not ask your loved one)

• Games ( I loved scrabble and played hours on end with visitors in the hospital and at home)

• Chapstick (many times I had chapped lips from treatments and medications)

• Pajamas (I lost so much weight nothing fit me. People sent me smaller sized pj’s that were soft and plush. Call a family member who would know what size your friend is now, probably a small!)

• Angel statue (This was one of my favorite gifts given to me by my aunt. I linked this so you can click on Angel Statue to get to the site)

• Pillows (I got a plush heart pillow and took it to chemo treatments with me every Friday. It was nice to have something soft to lay my head on, treatments make you very sleepy!)

• Blankets (Three friends sent me plush blankets and I loved them. If I got admitted to the hospital b/c I was doing bad I would bring them and feel at home. They were also great when I was at home b/c I slept all the time!)

• Stuffed animals (I don't know about other people but when I was sick I reverted back to being a kid! My stuffed animals help keep me company in hospital and during chemo)

• CDs/music (I got some CD's after my treatment was over and I was recovering. During treatment I didn't listen to music at all b/c it made me feel sick)

• DVDs (depending on your loved one. For a while I couldn't watch tv b/c that made me sick too but during recovery the CDs were great! You get bored laying in bed day after day.)

• Inspirational Jewelry (One of my best friends gave me a beautiful necklace that had a cross and heart. Then when I found out I was cancer free she got me a charm that said survivor and had a ribbon. If your loved one does not have breast cancer do not send them a pink ribbon necklace! )

• Fruit basket or Edible Arrangement (Personally I was obsessed, seriously OBSESSED, with fruit while I was sick.)

• Lotion (if your loved one is having chemo don’t give them anything that smells)

• Fancy Shmansy Water bottle (for those who have to drink all the time like I did. A cool water container could add a little brightness to their day)

• Cancer books

• Magazines

• Eye Masks (Treatments make you very tired! This means us Cancer Fighters sleep during the day and its super helpful to have eye masks to block out the sun. I included a link to a site that sells these masks)
• Hand Held Games. added in a comment by Joni. Joni's personal favorite was Yatzee and if you click on the link it will bring you to a site where you can buy that for your loved one.
• Slip On Slippers. Also added by Jonie. Jonie and I both totally agree that those hospital socks SUCK!

Don’ts:

• Doing Nothing. Whatever you do DO NOT do nothing! I was very aware of what family and friends never sent cards, packages, flowers etc...It hurt! Sorry if I hurt anyone feelings by saying that but I am here to be HONEST! I noticed when someone acted as though nothing had happened to me. If you're not sure what to do I can tell you anything is better than doing nothing!

• Try to avoid calling ( So many people called me but honestly the last thing I wanted to do was talk on the phone!! I felt guilty when I didn't take calls but when I did take the call I was miserable)

• Nothing with an odor if your loved one is having chemo treatments

• Nothing that takes work/concentration (no crossword puzzles or project. Treatment drain you and its frustrating not being able to do things)
  

• Don’t ask them what they want maybe ask family member but don’t bother friend they don’t know what they want, they want to not have cancer.

• Don’t sit by there bed side and try and figure out why is happened, because cancer is random and cruel and can strike anyone (added in a comment by a reader)
• Joni added: "don't wait for your loved one to contact you. They aren't feeling well and won't for some time. To say 'call me when you're up to it' means you will NOT get a call."
• Jonie added: "Don't get upset when they don't answer your call. They are tired and aren't up to talking, but they do very much appreciate hearing a loved ones voice on the other end say "I'm thinking of you".

Please comment to this post with additional gift ideas & insights.

P.S. Thank you to all my family and friends who supported me I think about you everyday!

Glamour Woman of the Year

Hi there friends. Just wanted to let you know about a another cancer survivor who I would really like to help out. Rachel Baumgartner Lozano is a 3 time cancer survivor who was nominated for Glamour magazine's "Woman of Your Year Contest" and is now one of the top 5 finalists!!

Surviving Cancer was difficult, scary and painful for me. Life after cancer isn't a piece of cake either, as you can see from my posts. Not only has Rachel survived cancer 3 times, starting when she was 15, but she also has done everything she can to raise awareness for cancer related causes, especially for young adult cancer. She is active in countless charities and organizations. Case is, this woman is amazing and a true inspiration. You can read more about her and her story here: I Am Obsessed With Life

Lets do something for Rachel and vote as many times as we can, its the least we can do! It would mean the world to me if everyone could vote for Rachel. Just click on the link and vote. You can vote as many times as you want.

I always appreciate everyones support!

CLICK HERE TO VOTE

LAUNCH A STAR

As you can see I have added a new feature to my blog: Launch A Star. This is pretty cool and I hope you all take advantage of it.

The Constellation is a tribute space to honor anyone who has received a cancer diagnosis.

For a donation of $1 or more, you can add a star to the Constellation in the name of someone you love: a family member, a co-worker, a friend.

I know all of you at least know one person, ME :) Please help me Stand Up to Cancer by participating.

As always thanks for your support!

xoxo
Meaghan

A Post About Supporting Someone Through Cancer

This is a post my dear friend Shakenfruit wrote. The advice she gives is dead on and I thought many of you might find it helpful. If you want to check out her blog go to www.shakenfruit.blogspot.com


If I introduced you to my friend Meaghan, you would turn to me and say very seriously: that chick is a bad ass. Then you would scheme about enticing her out for a night on the town. But along with all this Meaghan fabulousness, there are tiny bummers, for example, Meaghan's friends function largely on a need to know basis. She was like this before she was diagnosed with Stage 3 fucking B cervical cancer.

Before the cancer, if you needed to know she smoked the LSAT and was attending law school in the fall, you were told. We are all dying to be on Meaghan's 'needs to know' list. It is a small special coven of pink things, scathing intelligence and wise counsel. Some how, I have managed to weasel my way into her heart.

Meaghan is going to write a book about her diagnosis and treatment, and she asked if I, ShakenFruit, would consider contributing a small piece about being her friend throughout the ordeal. I'm not sure I have anything useful to offer, but I would love to help anyone who hates living on a 'need to know basis' in general, much less when our darling, irreverent, full-of-life friend turns into skin and bones before our eyes.

When Meaghan was finally diagnosed properly (you'll read about the HORROR of not being properly diagnosed when she writes her book) we were all in shock. The shit Meaghan went through is incomprehensible. Get that Lifetime Channel, made for TV "Fighting For My Life" special starring some bald, Z list actress out of your head, because what happened was WAY WORSE.

If your friend is anything like Meaghan, I hope these thoughts help:

Show Up. Unless you Are Asked Not To Show Up
Sometimes Meaghan was alert and awake and feeling up to having visitors, and I was just so desperate to see her and have her know how much I love her, that I would forget to be nice when I got a call that she wasn't feeling up to a visit. How Meaghan was feeling could change on a dime, and because her symptoms involved feeling very physically uncomfortable and enduring very personal side effects, sometimes she just didn't want anyone around. That's her prerogative. She's the one with cancer. I regret that I didn't suck it up sooner (like, IMMEDIATELY) and put a card in the mail, or search out something funny to send, like a Margaret Cho video.

Now is the time to lavish your friend and her family with wholesome goodies, funny cards, funny e-mailed videos (if she is feeling up to looking at a computer screen. Seriously, sometimes looking at a computer screen would make Meaghan sick, or was too much effort, or she was too tired, etc....) or just leave a message for her family sending your love and white light. If you are able to visit, bring something: a knitting project, a book, a long report you need to slog through. Sometimes the patient needs to nap, or needs to be in the bathroom for a long time. Bringing something with you shows you don't expect to be entertained.

Don't Ask a Million Fucking Questions. Or Maybe Ask a Million Fucking Questions.
Of course you want to know everything. This is your shiny darling friend. The one who got you through that hellacious relationship, saw you out the other side and (most amazing to you) DOESN'T JUDGE YOU FOR IT. You want to know everything about what she's going through, except, you can't, and honestly, unless you are her primary care provider? It's not your job.

It is your job to tell funny stories about life outside cancer, and listen to her every word, and not open your mouth before she's through. Sometimes it is your job to get her ginger ale while nausea passes. But it is not your job to understand every medical thing that is happening to her. In fact, if you can ask someone else who knows, like her primary care giver? Ask them instead, because she is fucking sick of answering everyone's questions.

Now, Meaghan received care at the most respected cancer treatment hospital in our country's questionable health care system. The best. So I had no reason to ACTUALLY be concerned about the care she received. They had it down. Cold. It was ugly and brutal and painful, but it was the best care she could receive. Your friend might not have the same luxury (if that is AT ALL the appropriate word) when it comes to her treatment.

The million questions I swallowed rose to my lips because I thought I needed to know. I didn't. But maybe you do. If you need to ask questions because the quality of your friend's care is in doubt, start by asking questions very, very gently. And don't ask your friend. She is too busy STAYING ALIVE to take copious notes and feel grateful for your interest.