I can't stay away

Okay I told myself no blogging while studying for the bar but I can't help myself....I need to give an update because a lot is happening. First, there is a great song that I want to share with you all. Kate Nash and its called MADE OF BRICKS. I know many many people listen to songs and when they connect the words and message to themselves, often to their relationships. Well, ever since my cancer I connect songs to my cancer. Probably not making a ton of sense but what I am trying to say is that when I hear this song I feel like its a message to my cancer. Just check it out and let me know what you all think.

The Bar exam is next Tuesday and Wednesday and then the following week I have the MPRE. After that I am opening a bottle of champagne and celebrating. This past year has been full of so much celebration for me, its been exciting. However, it makes me hesitant. Its like im almost afraid that just around the corner the bad news will show its ugly head. I haven't enjoyed my life in a while and I have to be honest, I'm afraid of being happy. I just don't want it to be taken away but I guess thats life, right??

Next month the doctors are going to try to take out my stents. I'm not very opptamistic about it. Not because im afraid of bad news and the such its just we have tried something like this before. It didn't work last time and it led to many dark, painful months. This is the first time in such a long time I have been pain free. Many of you know that I had cancer but it was much more than that. I had constant pain for about 2 years. Pain so bad that I had to be on pain patches, diloted fentanol etc...Then these last 5 months I have been virtually pain free and its been wonderful. BUT, as my doc pointed out I am still not living a quality life. So we are trying again. If it doesn't work this time they will get me ready to have the kidney removed.

Anyway that is a short summary of what has been going on with me. Mostly studying all day every day(12-13 hours a day). This will be over and like my pas Art left in his comment, not the hardest test ive had to take in the last couple of years. We cancer Fighters and Survivors are Warriors!!! We can do ANYTHING!

Ill be back soon!



Sandi said...

First of all YES. I relate songs to the cancer. The one I found that helped me and gave me encouragment after my diagnosis was Broken, by Lindsey Haun. If you haven't listened, give it a listen. I'll find that one you are talking about. I am always afraid too, but you have even been through so much more. I am scared of it coming back. So you worry if you get to happy, too content or sure of life then it will be snatched right out from under you. Yeah, that's my life daily. I have been in remission a year and I still worry about every pain, twinge or odd sensation. I am anxious but I try to assure myself it's normal. Still...each day is a gift and I try to live like it.

koopermom said...

Good to hear from you! I miss your posts!!

kim said...

hi there..I came to your blog thru a link provided by my friend Angie (making memories) I wanted to tell you I survived stage 3 breast cancer and the song that I listened to on a daily basis was Jo Dee Messina's "bring on the rain"--every word resonated with me at the time, it still does and I still get afraid. I just had thyroid surgery this past weekend, thankfully they did not find cancer, but it was on my mind the entire time. I think strength is often hard to come by when you're constantly fighting, when a song comes along that helps carry or convey that burden, it makes it a little easier. I wish you wellness and health and restfulness. :)

Grand Pooba said...

Oh it's so good to hear from you! I'm glad you are still alive and studying hard. Good luck with your test and with your next procedure...think good thoughts!

o2bhiking said...

Keep living each day! You will get past the bar exam and your next medical trials. Maybe removing the stent will be OK this time. I hope so. I am sure that both of these will look better in the rear view mirror at this point. Enjoy that celebration!

Sandi - so true, each day is a gift. I think of that often. This morning I was out at 4:30 training for my upcoming half-marathon for TNT, and it would have been easy to wish I could be in bed, sawing logs, instead of out in the cold. But instead, I was thinking how lucky I am to be a survivor, to be healthy enough to be up running at 4:30, to be trying to make a difference by raising money for fighting cancers. And I ran into a fellow survivor (and teammate) out doing her training for her upcoming marathon. I would bet she has similar thoughts. She is about your age and is a 12 year lymphoma survivor, and is a multiple marathoner. I was thinking of all those undergoing the trials of cancer and other illnesses, how they would give a lot to be out running at 4:30, or at any time. I think you will find that the fear of recurrance decreases with time. Keep on being a survivor! Keep seizing the day! Wishing health and joy to all of you. Art

Juliana said...

Off to listen to Kate Nash!!

Obsessedwithlife said...

I love music...tried to find that song but I found an album on Itunes called that-not a specific song-does it have another name?

Good luck on the Bar! One of my best friends is taking it too. Stressful!

I hear you about pain and everything you said (except I haven't had kidney stents...just lung drainage tubes and all sorts of other stuff)...yeah.


Anonymous said...

Wonderful to hear from you sweetie!! It's great to hear you've been able to get some time pain free. I'll keep you in my prayers that the next time they remove the stints will bring painless healing for you.

You're right, it is hard to look at the future without some type of fear. But taking each day at a time will eventually help us put those fears aside, and allow us to begin LIVING again!

Anonymous said...

My daughter's courageous battle against cervical cancer.... www.kristeneve.org

Lindsay said...

Good luck, soon it will be over! :) I hope you don't have to have your kidney removed, but if you do- I have 1 kidney and you would never know it!

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Ryan.Kendra.Makenzie.Tracker said...

Your so amazing! I wish you luck on the bar exam. Im sure you will be bloggin on her how you passed with flying colors! Relating songs to life- Thats me. I feel I can express myself better with some songs out there than I could ever say with my own words! I think about you often and pray your staying well!

Michelle said...

Good Luck!! You'll do great.
Keep your head up. Try not to worry too much. Enjoy the pain free time your having now, you never know it could last forever!
Live, Love and be happy!

cancersucks said...

I can't wait to read your next post about doing so great on the bar exam and on getting the stents out with no issues at all. Be well!