I don't think anyone "asks" for cancer but sometimes I want to scream from the roof tops...."I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS". Those given the diagnosis of cancer do the best they can, some people write about it, others start nonprofits or speak to fellow fighters/survivors and then there are those who try to shut the door on that chapter of their lives. But no matter how someone deals with their cancer there is no "right" path that will make it all better.
How does one really come to terms with the fact that they have cancer? This is not a rhetorical question I really want to know. Some days are better than others but mostly its still a battle. What would I be doing right now if I had never had cancer? Who would I be? What job would I have? Would there be a little Meaghan running around? Would I be married? What state would I be living in? Would I still have a normal sex drive? Would I be complaining about my period instead of trying to figure out what menopause is? Most importantly would I be happy?
I'll never know the answers to these questions and I am not looking for anyone to console me I just need to ask them out loud. These questions, and many more, go through my head like a song on repeat. I know there are many cancer fighters and survivors who feel the same way and that's why I am writing this post. I know its very personal and that's scary but I don't want you to feel alone or be afraid to ask the same questions out loud.
So many of us put on a brave face when we tell our stories. People look up to us as though we are strong or have some type of cancer fighting super power. I wish that was true but we are just like those who never heard, "You have cancer" The only difference is we were given something no one wants, we fought it and for some of us we won. But we are still regular people who have fears, hopes and dreams.
Cancer SUCKS and that never goes away even if you get a clear PET scan! You can never go back in time and change things and maybe our lives would not have been better off or even that different but those questions are still haunting. Its important for people to understand that cancer is an ongoing battle with good days, bad days, normal days and frustrating days. Life makes us who we are, shapes us and gives us character even those things in life we did not ask for.
Posted by Meaghan on Sunday, January 31, 2010