First I have to apologize for not writing very much lately. I looked back and noticed that soon after I had my rib & kidney removed my posts dwindled off. While I feel bad I also feel a huge sense or relief. I think my lack of posts demonstrates my huge strides in both physical and mental health.
Things have gotten so much better for me. Sitting here writing I have tears in my eyes thinking of all the painful years I spent battling my beast. The sleepless nights, the tortured days....I was never truly honest with those who loved me about how difficult my battle with cancer was. But now I can honestly say I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At night I do what most people do, sleep. When I go to the bathroom I am not pulling my hair out because the pain is so bad. I'm not secretly throwing up in the bathroom because my stomach hurts so badly. And I am no longer ashamed that I can't remember something that happened just moments before.
Yes I am still scared that a PET scan will come back with bad news. I still dread my doctor visits and the possibility I will hear the the cancer is coming back. Im also aware that until my 5 years (3 years from now) I am not cancer free, not a true survivor. But for now I am so much healthier than I ever imagined I would be.
While my health is doing better I have had some difficult battles these past few weeks. As many of you know I started a non profit organization called Spirit Jump. I did this because when I was fighting my battle cards & gifts that arrived in the mail truly lifted my spirits. I wanted to share this experience with the others out there who, like me, are faced with battling cancer. At first Spirit Jump was immensely rewarding and I knew I was doing the right thing. It wasn't easy for me to put aside my lawyer career but I felt that I needed to give back to all those who were still in the darkest place I have ever been in my life. Leaving them behind, shutting my eyes to their battle just wasn't an option.
However, there have also been some negative aspects to my charity work. Because of the success of Spirit Jump our numbers have grown and others have been taking advantage of my kindness & sincerity. This charity is so important to me as it is about what I went through and how my spirits were lifted when I was sick. Unfortunately I think this makes me an easy target. I am learning how to be stronger and more of a "business woman". I am an intelligent, professional and good honest woman. I surround myself with good honest people who want to see me and my vision for Spirit Jump succeed. Spirit Jump is now a real organization and not just a dream. We are a team made of Professionals, Marketing Technology, Nonprofit advisers, Attorneys and Business owners. Those who make up Spirit Jump protect me by stepping in to deal with people/situations that are merely political and do not advance our mission in anyway. I have been extremely disappointed and hurt by those who do not trust that I am handling many difficult situations with the utmost care and integrity.
I am angry and hurt that I am working 12 hours a day 7 days a week and still it is not enough for many. I am angry that I have been attacked as a person by people who are not interested in helping people with cancer. These people want fame & attention and have used me as a way to achieve this. BUT I will not let them bring me or Spirit Jump down. I will rise above this and continue to help the MANY men, women and children who are battling for their lives.
I thank you all to my friends & followers who have supported me and loved me through my battle. I hope you continue to do so and I promise I will be updating this blog more often.
Posted by Meaghan on Saturday, July 11, 2009