Cancer is every second of every day

this painting of me and my niece was made by Fifi Flowers Designs.


I think about cancer all the time! When I wake up, drink my coffee, take a shower, read a book, watch tv, even when I sleep. Cancer is always there! I try to think about other things, have conversations about things unrelated to cancer but its always there, lurking!

In February it will be two years since my diagnosis. Its been a long, painful difficult two years. I would love to say I'm over it but im not and I dont think I ever will be. I often wonder if there will be a time in my life when cancer is not the center of all things. When caner is a faint memory. But for now it is all. Nothing even compares to Cancer. I don't know who I would be without cancer but I often wonder.

This is why my blog and now Spirit Jump are so important. When I think of cancer I can focus my energy and thoughts into these things. I can try to think of the perfect gift for another fighter or how I can help someone deal with chemo. I can research hospitals, send emails asking people to participate in Spirit Jump or write a post about how im feeling. If I did not do these things I am afraid of where my mind would go. I am afraid of what would become of me.

So this is my confession to all my readers who think I am strong and coragous, Im really not. I am doing what I must in order to survive. I am doing the only thing I can think of that will allow me to wake up tomorrow and get out of bed.

26 comments:

angi_b72 said...

hugs!! How are you feeling today?

ms. changes pants while driving said...

isn't that what courage is? knowing that things are hard, but getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other ANYWAY?

umm... you stared DEATH in the FACE and WON. and you're still fighting. that's brave. those moments of weakness when you think you can't move another inch? where laying in bed and crying is the only thing you can or want to do? that's brave. that's strength.

hey, my word verification is "troad". short for "tough road"?? =)

Intern Chick said...

You're simply amazing! That painting is beautiful :-)

sassy stephanie said...

I think you are VERY courageous. To not only fight like the strong woman you are, but to share and raise awareness. My hat's off to you.

Dee said...

I feel so grateful to have found you. Through helping others you will surely feel the power of kindness and generosity of spirit. Because you had to pave the way, you are making that road so much easier for my friend to navigate along with many others sadly to follow.

~Mrs. Guru~ said...

Hang in there! I actually had a patient with bilaterally breast cancer the other day and she didn't know. A hard thing to see after surgery and having to tell the family.

Brenda Jean said...

I so agree with ms. changes on courage. You ARE couragous, even when it doesn't feel like it. I'm glad things went well. What a beautiful picture. Rest and relax:)

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

I beg to differ.

You are strong. I think it is important to think about cancer. It puts into perspective where you were and where you are NOW. I would be worried if you didn't think about cancer!

Don't you ever forget that you're strong and a FIGHTER. : )

LobotoME said...

YOU ARE strong and caring and giving..don't forget that! I'm sending you a spirit jump today!

xo, jenny

ceekay said...

I have been fighting the fight since October 2006. Ovarian. Cancer sucks. Cancer to me is the cloud that is in everything. I manage to push it away for bits of time...but it there hovering, waiting to hang over me. For us that are fighting...each day is a gift and a battle won. I am not courageous either. I hate everything from the littlest thing to the biggest - chemo - so I know exactly what you mean. I give all my praise to my Lord and my husband. They have gotten me through thus far.
It sounds like you are a real fighter and are out there spreading the word and helping others....That is courage to me...faceing each new day. Good luck with the fight!!

Michelle said...

Hey Meaghan,
You're wrong. This is Websters Dictionary's definition of courage.
" mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty"
So you see you are courageous, part of being courageous is facing fear, and you do that every day.
xo

Michelle said...

P.S. Love the painting! Thats an amazing item to treasure for a very long time.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

I can not say that I know what you are going through...but I can certainly understand...If I may offer something that helps me when bad things happen...

Cancer is NOT who you are, it is something that happened to you. You are not the cancer!

I am honored to have come accross your blog.

My Cancer Scoreboard said...

I love you...sorry I've been MIA again.... rough week. First day out of bed since last Friday..eek. Glad your surgery went well... I love you and can't wait to talk soon!

Stace

cancersucks said...

What a moving post. I agree 100%. I am dreading my three year check up coming up on the 22nd and my friend passed away last week from brain cancer. I hope you know you are not alone in your thoughts.

silverdot said...

Hi Meaghan, I think you are incredibly brave, and amazing. I hope you are doing better. The picture of you and your niece is gorgeous. hugs, judy

Grand Pooba said...

amazing painting!

Lindsay said...

I am almost 2 years since diagnosis also. Mine will be in January. Long 2 years for sure...

Nana said...

Sounds like courage to me! Hope you are feeling better. Jack is doing o.k. He's a fighter. He wants to hang around for a while.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I love that painting! I hate it when anything is on my mind that I don't want to be there. It's so hard to shake it. I hope one day you can be free of even THINKING of cancer!
xoxo

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