this painting of me and my niece was made by Fifi Flowers Designs.
I think about cancer all the time! When I wake up, drink my coffee, take a shower, read a book, watch tv, even when I sleep. Cancer is always there! I try to think about other things, have conversations about things unrelated to cancer but its always there, lurking!
In February it will be two years since my diagnosis. Its been a long, painful difficult two years. I would love to say I'm over it but im not and I dont think I ever will be. I often wonder if there will be a time in my life when cancer is not the center of all things. When caner is a faint memory. But for now it is all. Nothing even compares to Cancer. I don't know who I would be without cancer but I often wonder.
This is why my blog and now Spirit Jump are so important. When I think of cancer I can focus my energy and thoughts into these things. I can try to think of the perfect gift for another fighter or how I can help someone deal with chemo. I can research hospitals, send emails asking people to participate in Spirit Jump or write a post about how im feeling. If I did not do these things I am afraid of where my mind would go. I am afraid of what would become of me.
So this is my confession to all my readers who think I am strong and coragous, Im really not. I am doing what I must in order to survive. I am doing the only thing I can think of that will allow me to wake up tomorrow and get out of bed.