Sometimes I Get Scared


Yes its true many days I experience at least an hour of anxiety, sadness and fear. Most times I push through my "cancer" anxieties but there is always one point in the day when the big C stops me in my tracks. Yes I beat cancer but what people don't understand is that Cancer is always a part of who I am now. If I were to say, "im over it, I beat it and now its over" that would be a big fat lie!

Stupid commercials usually bring out my fears, thanks a lot ABC, NBC and CBS...you too Lifetime! Who would have thought Tampon commercials would make me shed a tear of regret and loss. Oh and then there's the Boniva commercial about bone loss, thats a real tear jerker! Lets not forget those whimsical commercials with the pipe people who can't hold their bladders, yup that one too. These commercials remind me of how I am different from the rest of the healthy, happy thirty something women out there. Those commercials are either directed at me or are things that no longer apply to me. I can never escape the constant reminders that I HAD CANCER.

Wow...it still shocks me! I never imagined that I would get CANCER. That I would be unable to have children. That I would miss my stupid period. That I would have bone loss problems at age 30. That I would wear diapers. That I would need bladder control medication. But I guess thats the way life goes, you never know!



21 comments:

Somewhere In Between said...

I bet it is difficult, and I could never even imagine what it is you go through - but at least you have a wonderful support group that will be here for you no matter what :)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

You are so right. That part does suck. I experience major anxiety attacks at my 6 month check ups. No matter how great I am doing, every time the oncologist opens her mouth, my heart races a little bit.

The wife said...

Thank you for putting things in prospective for me, as I sit here and gripe about all my little problems. I needed it!!

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

My friend Amy is the same way.

Her worry right now is that her cancer will come back and be in her bones or elsewhere. Every ache or twinge she thinks, "AHH! CANCER!"

The wife said...

Check out my blog. There is something for you there!

Laura said...

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. As difficult as it may be to believe, there is a reason why, and perhaps part of it is your willingness to share your experience and help others. Keep telling yourself that you kicked cancer's ass and you'll get stronger every day! Good luck on your journey! Thanks also for stopping by my blog!

~alison said...

Thank you for sharing this. It must be truly difficult. My heart goes out to you always. You have such an amazing spirit and such an inspiration for me.

Please check my latest post - you are mentioned!

Grand Pooba said...

That must be soooo hard! Constant reminders :( Hang in there!

ElleBee said...

I can only imagine what it must be like, living with all of the effects of the cancer. But the most important thing is that you are doing just that. You are LIVING--and what a life! :)

i'm black betty said...

i could not IMAGINE. you are so strong and beautiful. prayers ascending...

Joni said...

Meaghan, once again you have taken the words out of my mouth. Thank you for being brave enough to let the rest of us know we aren't alone when we cry at the bladder control commercials!

sandra/tx said...

Meaghan, you're such a trooper, and do you realize what a gift you are to so many people? Shoot, every other blog on my list has something to do with decorating. Yours is there because of the inspiration you are. (((Meaghan)))

Fifi Flowers said...

Isn't it wonderful to have so many people to talk to you... it always seems to me that expressing oneself is a great release and even better when you get input from so many caring people. My heart goes out to you too.
ENJOY your day!
Fifi

Mrs. S said...

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I can thank you for sharing your story, your life, with us...with me.

QuirkyLoon said...

Meaghan, unfortunately I do know how you feel.

It does become a part of your identity. It's strange because you were a person before the big C, but now you don't have the luxury of going back to being that person ONLY.

Sometimes when I see a cancer commercial, I just think, well I don't have to be scared, been there done that. It's not the great unknown for me anymore.

But I lie a little bit when I say that because, I do wonder when it will come back. And where.

I go for another gyn-oncol exam this week. My fifth since last November, so far so good, but I always wonder when that will change.

Not to mention all the problems I'm still having cancer free, but because of cancer treatments.

I'm glad you remind that it's ok to be afraid.

Becky :) said...

Sometimes we can go through life and not stop and think about the people in our lives that are affected by this. I think about everything you wrote and I think about my sister who had breast cancer. I wonder if she ever thinks about those same things.

You are a stronger woman for what you have gone through. Don't ever forget that you KICKED CANCER'S ASS. Because you did and even though you may get scared every now and then please don't forget that you did. And that it's okay to be scared and that you have wonderful friends and family that will walk you through each day and every fear.

Intern Chick said...

Meaghan you are an amazing person. I could never endure what I imagine you must have, and still are, going through. You make me feel like handling what I have on my plate is easy as pie. Stay healthy :)

Amber said...

Anytime you suffer a major loss in your life, things will trigger your grief...even when you think you've got it licked. Totally understandable!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

It's not fair, and I know that life isn't fair, but dammit, why can't it be?
xoxoxoxo

Sandi said...

wow. First of all, I relate to you girl! I am not a cervical cancer survivor, but Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I get the fears though! Oh good lord, I have been in remission since just February and I cannot stand it. I just want to not think about it. You beat it, yet it's never really over. You're always worried about it coming back. Every pain, every twinge...anything that feels remotely like a symptom I had before. I wonder how long before I stop being this way? I cried my eyes out watching Stand Up 2 Cancer. St. Jude's commercials turn me into a blubbering lady. I am fortunate though to have children. I am thankful each day. I was pregnant when diagnosed. I had only just found out. I had chemotherapy while pregnant. My baby is healthy and turning one on November 17th! I have much to be thankful for. I admire and respect you for what you have been through. You're strong. Remember it. Cancer can't bully us.

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