Today is one of those tough days. I can't quite put my finger on why. On these days I try to figure out why I am feeling down so that I can deal with it and move forward. That is the hard part of being a survivor and fighter. You don't always know why you feel sad, angry or frustrated.
I do know that I have surgery coming up. Ever three months with no end point. These surgeries cause me a lot of anxiety. They prevent me from leaving this all behind me and moving forward. The general anesthesia makes my mind foggy. Being back in the hospital brings back terrible memories. I experience pain and exhaustion. I have to watch my family and friends be stressed over my surgery. I have to be absent from law school classes, be away from friends and my home. I HATE IT!! Most people don't fully understand how much suffering these surgeries cause me because I put on that smile and act like its no big deal, well it is. Its a huge deal. there are 12 months out of the year and I have surgery 4 of those months.
People in my life seem to have become accustom to these surgeries, I have not! While I try to I don't think I ever will. These surgeries take up a large amount of my life. If I'm not actually having surgery I am scheduling the appointments, making travel arrangements, working out my school schedule, finding rides to the airport, a place to stay, what parent can take time off from work, talking on the phone with pre-op nurses. I pray that one day these surgeries will no longer be a part of my life.
As always thank you for your support :)