Today I cried. I went to my friends son's first birthday party. I was not feeling well at all. Actually, I haven't felt well all week. Yes I had surgery Monday and yes I flew home less than 24 hours after. Within 48 hours I was back in law school. I have to admit, I made a mistake. Rest is what I needed and not less than 24 hours, I should have rested for at least a week. Everyone told me I was making a mistake but as usual I wouldn't listen. For some reason I insist on learning everything the hard way.
There is a reason to my madness. I'm not stupid, I know that after surgery a person should rest. However, I am so sick and tired of being sick. All I do is rest, sleep, relax, take it easy. When will it stop? I want to get on with my life. I want to get over what happened to me and move forward. My life is so frustrating. I know what I want to do, how I want to live my life, where I want to be but its always just out of my reach. When I am done resting from surgery I will be resting for some other reason. Maybe a fever, maybe the pain will get bad again, maybe I will be exhausted. I can't remember the last day I felt like a normal person.
So today I cried because i want so badly to be healthy. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything. Energized, motivated, excited what I would give to have just one day when I felt those things. Instead I fight everyday to put on the appearance that I feel those things. I am patiently waiting for the day that I feel like a normal human being again!
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13 comments:
(((HUGS)))
Meaghan, hanging in there!! I know it's been tough road for you, I know how tiring and sickning for you to feel sick everyday. But, you have made this far, you can do it!!!! I'm rooting and praying for your road to 120% recovery!!! xoxo
Hi, Meaghan! I'm glad to hear that things are looking better in there. I understand how you're feeling. I got so sick of laying around being sick. I was sick of books and puzzles and even the internet! I just wanted to be normal. I hope and pray that normal comes to you soon!
XOXO
I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers! You will feel wonderful and accomplish everything you set out to do all in God's time! Sending positive vibes your way :)
I am praying for you...I KNOW you must hear that all the time, but I think God will pull you through this soon. Leave it in his hands...he is your strength. Love You =)
Hey Meg, you're so absolutely encouraging, I am so thankful for you! I hope one day soon things get easier for you, I know all too well what it is like to long for the normal healthy you that once was, and will one day be, you'll get there someday honey. I admire you for your remarkable strength and perseverance, XO...
Thank you for visiting my site. I love, love, love comments!
Thank you, also, for sharing so openly what you're going through/have been through.
You're an amazing person!
After reading, I cried for you too! How terrible to feel sick each and every day. Hang in there and normal will come, soon enough!
I'm sure you're sick of being sick, but it's a battle worth fighting! You are a strong and amazing person whose life is full of potential. Thank you for your willingness to share your amazing story of survival and 'kicking cancer's ass.'
Ah, Meaghan, THIS is the juice. This is life with the dirt under the nails. Your staying present is what will carry you through, continuously.
You know an old college friend of mine had a very successful surgery after a type of stomach cancer - she was working as a paralegal in NYC at the time and law school-bound. After her cancer, she became a holistic nutritionist and is now also a yoga teacher. She is super super present now - more than we ever saw her back at our uppity Ivy League undergrad.
Not that I'm saying to drop law! But that the permission to be yourself HOWEVER she comes is the juice!
I can imagine how you feel, and how much you want to be "normal", and you WILL do that! Hang in there and take care of yourself:) Your blog is great-I believe so much in writing out our thoughts and feelings so we don't keep them inside where they build up. {{{HUGS}}}
Hey Meaghan,
I came across ur blog and wanted to leave u a message.... Our stories are very similar and I can relate and understand on how boring it is feeling poorly on a daily basis.... The treatment we have gone through is huge!!!!! I must say I never thought of the after effects on the body of such invasive procedures.... We're fighters and survivors and though it's a struggle sometimes we are surrounded by love and encouragement.... Keep going sweetie!!!
Sonia XX
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