Hope, the Scariest Word in the Dictionary


After my horrible flying experience I arrived at Logan Airport in Boston Mass. I went to Dana Farber where I met Dr. Berkowitz who gave me a quick examination and then admitted me to the hospital, the gynecological oncologist floor (on this floor all the nurses and staff are specifically trained in the area of gynecological cancer). This is when things start to get blurry for me. Immediately I was put on IV drip dilauded (hence the blurriness). Everything happened so quickly. I had teams of doctors. One team was a pain team. One of the doctors looked at me with tears in her eyes. She said to my father and me, “I cannot imagine the pain you must have endured. I can see this happening in a third world country but not here” She was right. The pain I endured for months was absolutely horrible. I had been walking around with a ripped open kidney and my insides were being crushed by a huge tumor.

Soon after being admitted to Dana Farber I started chemo, radiation and had surgery. The doctors put in nephrostamy tubes so that my kidney could heal. I was manic at this point. Talking for hours and hours until my voice was totally gone. While being hospitalized for cancer was scary it was a lot less scary then sitting at home not knowing what was wrong with me. My father stayed with me the entire time, slept in a chair by my bed for weeks. This experience opened my eyes to who cared and how much. I was lucky to have family and friends that stood by me.

The scariest moment in my life happened during the first weeks at Dana Farber. I remember the moment happened like it was yesterday. Dr. Berkowitz looked at me with his kind eyes and said, “You always have hope”. Hope, the scariest word I have ever heard. Most people don’t think of hope as being a bad thing but instead a beautiful word. Not me. Hope meant that I could die. Hope, coming from a doctor’s mouth meant they were going to do everything they could but that might not be enough. I already knew I had cancer, that my kidney was ruptured, that I was going to have chemo but it wasn’t until my doctor told me I had hope that I became scared!